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Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat

Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating
husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity.

By Nicole Yorio from Redbook

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through
past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came
from the wife’s point of view. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask
the guys?” he thought. So for his new book, “The Truth About
Cheating,” Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to
get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity — including what
cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some
of his findings:

More Dating Articles from Redbook:

Diary of an Affair
8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they
cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical
intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction
was the main factor in their infidelity. “Our culture tells us that
all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone,”
Neuman says. “But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want
their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want
women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right.” The
problem is that men are less likely than women to express these
feelings, so you won’t always know when your guy is in need of a
little affirmation. “Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on
the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked,”
Neuman says. “But you can create a marital culture of appreciation
and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he’s likely to match
it.”

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn’t just uncaring jerks who
cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they’d be
unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it, Neuman
says. Clearly, guilt isn’t enough to stop a man from cheating. “Men
are good at compartmentalizing feelings,” Neuman explains. “They can
hold on to their emotions and deal with them later.” So even if your
partner swears he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen.
It’s important for both of you to take steps toward creating the
relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and
legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously
telling himself: “My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating
on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it.” You can’t simply ban
your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says,
but you can request that they spend their time together in an
environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or
a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another
strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples
that share your values — it’ll create an environment that supports
marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who
praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman
says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued
at home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is
getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions
the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart,
your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set
boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it
acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they
travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a
project? Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a
male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically
attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn’t stray because he thinks he’ll get lucky
with a better-looking body. ”

In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman
says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical
intimacy comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about
infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and
connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to
please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter –
it’s one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close
to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after
meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than
a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see
the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it
coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He
spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy,
picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction
may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about
cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead,
Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own
behavior — and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a
better place. Don’t hesitate to show your appreciation for him,
prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a
reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open
about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you
(again, without mentioning any third parties). Try “I think we’ve
started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don’t
want it to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on
your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.